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Holidays are a time of fun, happiness, bonding beautifully with our children and stepchildren... one big happy family... like the Brady Bunch... right?
Most often these times can be filled with dread. Will the other parent mess about with the visitation schedule, will the children come back from their absent parent needing to be re programmed when they get back. Will all the clothes they went with be returned, will they have been told mistruths and been subjected to you being badmouthed. Or maybe the children you don't like are around for even longer and your partner is consumed with their needs and you feel like a spare part ... or the chief cook and bottle washer.
We long for a time of ease where the children skip happily out of the door and skip happily back in again or when we don't experience overwhelming emotions of loss, grief, hurt or jealousy around it all.
Stepfamilies can be complex to say the least with many varying degrees of emotions involved. And at holiday time these emotions can be even more obvious.
Here is you guide to a smoother, happier stepfamily holiday.
Prepare yourself. If your children are going to be away prepare yourself for the days you will most wish they could be with you. Consider an activity for yourself and the rest of your family if your children will be with their other parent on Christmas Day or their birthday.
If you have children coming to visit that don't usually live with you think though things that you can do to nurture yourself whilst they are there. Do you need to plan some time out with a friend, or perhaps you need to let your partner know that you plan to take a long hot bath one evening. Don't let yourself dwell in worry and concern. Think of all the positives you can do to make their stay as happy for you as possible.
Have realistic expectations. Holidays within a stepfamily are going to be different. By accepting that and adjusting your expectations helps you get into the flow of exchanges and either time away from your children or extra time with the children. At holiday times children can be reminded that their mum and dad aren't together anymore. These reminders can bring up emotions such as loss, guilt or anger. By remembering a stepfamily is different from a biological family you can create new traditions and rituals that are unique to your stepfamily and set aside a time when you know all will be able to participate -- even if it's before or after a particular holiday's date. Children need to be with both of their biological parents, be sensitive to that. As children grow older, their friends become more important so they may want to spend some of their holiday time with them.
Plan what you'll do. Before the holiday begins plan with your partner and the children what you all want to do during the holidays. Set out expectations upfront. Make everyone aware of any work commitments or agreements to visit family. By not having a plan for the holidays you are open to boredom, frustrations and arguments setting in, and that is likely to be like waling into a minefield.
Establish new traditions. It's good to create new traditions in a stepfamily. Taking everyone's needs into account. That way, things are fresh and new to everyone, which creates a feeling of being in the same boat as everyone else.
Consider what each family did and enjoyed before and work out what the new family would like to do now. Would you like to create a tradition of each of you having some time alone with your biological children? Maybe you want to have grandparents come and visit for a few days whilst the children are with you. Be creating and enjoy the process.
Take time for you and your partner. If you find yourself without your children whilst they visit their other parent make the most of special time alone with your partner. Your relationships is the most important thing for your children. They'll learn how relationships should (or shouldn't) be done by watching you. You are their main educator on that front. You'll feel great for it too. Time to show each other just how much you do love one another and top yourselves back up before the children come back home.
If you are having time with children that don't usually live with you it's just as important to plan a bit of time alone. Even if it is snuggling up to watch a movie together once the children have gone to bed. It's important to not feel like one of you is being shoved aside every time the children are about. That can build resentment for their visits.
Holiday's are just one of the areas I work though with my clients. If you'd like more free information request your copy of my free report from my website.
Happy holidays!
Jo
The Stepfamily Coach
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